Nissan 350z

There is a lot that can be said about Nissan's Z Car lineup. The Z has always been a staple in the budget performance market, often unrivaled. Car and Driver said it best in reference to the 240z: "it drove so well and was built so well that it elevated consumers’ expectations for all sports cars. It was a better Datsun—and Nissan—that would eventually inspire better Porsches, better Corvettes, and better Jaguars." That same statement remains true throughout the Z car's lifespan, from the 240z, to the 300zx, all the way up to the most recent 370z.

The 350z was similar to earlier Z cars in that it offered excitement for the everyday driver. As a huge Corvette enthusiast, I always somewhat balked at people claiming the Corvette offered cheap performance. While it's relatively cheap compared to the performance you get, a new Corvette cost anywhere from $45,000 to $55,000 back in 2003, while the Nissan started at just $26,000. Sure, the Corvette offers more performance, but $20,000 is A LOT of price difference. Sure, there are many other new cars that can provide some fun for a similar price (the Focus and Fiesta ST, or the Golf GTI) but those aren't true rear wheel drive sports cars. That, is what give the Nissan the crown for king of the blue collar sports car performance.

From the outside, the Z is a true stunner. On more than one occasion people asked me if it was a Porsche, one even stating "That's the best looking Porsche I've ever seen!" The car grabs attention from everyone with its wide hips and smooth, rounded curves. One of the best features of the 350z is that there are no bad angles. The front, rear, and side profile are all aesthetically pleasing and well proportioned.

On the inside, the 350z has a very nice looking cockpit. The quality of material is, as to be expected for the price, questionable at best. Seats in the Z are very comfortable, and do a great job holding the driver tight during hard corners. The gauge layout is among the best in terms of practicality. In dead center lies the tachometer, which is very important considering how quickly the VQ35 can rev. More than once when I first got in the car I found myself bouncing off the limiter in first gear, because the car keeps pulling so quickly to redline. To the right of the tachometer is a speedometer, and to the left smaller gauges for fuel level and coolant temperature.

Perhaps the most useful set of gauges is the set in the center of the dash directly above the radio. These gauges had me spoiled after 5 minutes of driving. On the far right is a voltage gauge. Useful and neat, but not incredibly important to most people (hence most vehicles just come with a battery light, no gauge.) The center gauge shows a nice analog oil pressure readout. Given the performance oriented nature of the car, and the fact that many (read: all) early VQ35's had a slight oil consumption problem, this is a mandatory gauge. Sadly, the oil pressure sensor likes to fail, pegging the gauge on maximum, which will cause a mild panic attack the first time it happens. The final gauge is the most important. It's a digital multi-gauge which can display speed, temperature, tire pressure, shift-light settings, lap timer, and a couple fuel economy monitors. Virtually none of these are important besides the speed indicator, which displays the speed at a perfect height to be out of the way, but easy to see.

With 287 horsepower, the Z is no slouch. The VQ makes plenty of torque at all parts of the rev range, yet still manages to provide that nice high strung rev-happy feeling that a lot of modern V8's and turbo cars lack. The engine revs seriously quickly, a lazy shift will slam you up against the rev limiter so hard you feel like rear-ended the Mustang in front of you. It's not as quick revving as a motorcycle, but it sure feels close. This characteristic also makes the car feel a lot quicker than it actually is. Low 14/High 13 second 1/4 mile times aren't particularly impressive, but the uninformed driver would likely believe this car is quite a bit faster than it actually is.

The main problem with the Z is its handling. The Z is supposed to be a proper handling sports car, but in stock form it simply isn't. Sure, there's a fair amount of grip and a nice feeling turn in, but pushed even remotely hard it simply wants to under-steer and scrub off tons of speed. I've driven front wheel drive cars that felt more neutral at the limit. The result is generally either being in a gear much too high for accelerating out of the corner, or feeling like you need to approach each turn much slower than the turn in makes you feel like you can. For a car with such good turn in, the mushy under-steer ruins any sense of a proper handling car.

Overall, Nissan created yet another parts-bin performance machine. While I truly like the Z, and owned one for several years, its inevitable flaw is that it really is a compromised car. With suspension and tire modifications I have no doubt the car could be a world class performer, but in stock form it leaves too much out of the mix. There isn't enough power to be a straight-line monster, there interior isn't nice enough to be a luxury tourer, and the under-steer kills any sense of a car that can be tossed into corners.

By all means, the Z still fills a niche market in the performance world. It's a car that provides a lot of grins for the average person while stock, and has plenty of potential for aftermarket improvements. The handling characteristics below the limit are phenomenal: great turn in, excellent feedback, and an easy to use rev-range. The problem only presents itself when pushed close to the limit of grip, which is vastly exaggerated in wet weather, perhaps even more-so than its competitors. For the price, though, there isn't anything that provides a better daily-drivable fun car. Fuel economy and reliability are on par with most any other modern Nissan, considering they use many of the same parts from the Maxima, G35, and other less performance oriented cars. The 370Z takes the Z car evolution another step, fixing many of the handling quirks of the 350. Prices on new 370Z's still fall into that same niche the 350z did when new, but on the used market they're still a bit too high. This means that for the money, you can either have a 370Z, or a C5/C6 Corvette, which isn't even a fair competition. The auto market needs a real budget performance vehicle: long live the Z car!

2015 Dodge Challenger R/T

Full, up front disclosure: I LOVE the new Dodge Challenger. I've loved it since it's reintroduction back in 2008, and even more after the facelift in 2015. It has always been a bit difficult to put my finger on exactly what draws me to the Challenger so much, because it surely isn't based on the sheer performance of the car. What it is based on, is the attitude.

375 horsepower out of the 5.7 liter V8 isn't necessarily A LOT of power, but coupled with the 410 foot pounds of torque its more than enough to get the Challenger up the road in a hurry. 1/4 mile times are somewhere in the mid 13 second mark, which is a good bit slower than a V8 Mustang or Camaro, but that isn't even important. The new Challenger isn't about being the fastest, its about bringing back the best of generations past. Think about it, what's good about an old muscle car? Its slower than a new Golf GTI, much worse on fuel, harder to drive, less reliable, frequently more expensive, and doesn't come with a warranty. There isn't a single measurable way to justify buying an old muscle car, but none of that even matters. Old muscle cars are about the attitude, the nostalgia, the charisma. Its about being in a car that looks like it wants to smack any import in the mouth. No other car has pulled this off since the death of the Trans Am WS6 in 2002. With its dual ram-air hood and garage-designed aero pack it looked like the guy in the gym who out-benches half the other gym members combined for absolutely no reason.  

That is what makes the new Challenger so perfect. In a world so seemingly obsessed with "just what's necessary" the Challenger is the overkill that's been missing in the car world. Sure, there isn't any reason for a two door car to be as long as a Chevrolet Tahoe, but in today's society there's no REASON to make a V8 car at all. However, no one (besides the EPA) wants to see those go away. Even just sitting in the Challenger feels cool. The feeling of nearly 8 feet of car in front of you and 8 feet behind you is just far too unique in the car world. Back in 1969 the Ford Mustang grew by nearly half a foot for absolutely no reason. Why? Because this is America, and in America bigger is better. It really is that simple. America embodies overkill, being bigger, being stronger, being in your face. Ever been in an altercation and wished that you were smaller? Wished that you were weaker? Wished that you were slower? Of course not, that's like going into an exam and wishing you didn't study so much.

Cruising along, the 5.7 liter V8 burbles and crackles no matter what gear you're in. The transmission shifts as smooth as butter. Dodge didn't make the same mistake Ford did by developing their manual transmissions in house, instead they opted to go with the tried and true TR6060. The engine revs smoothly and freely, and plenty of torque is available at any RPM. As far as physical characteristics go, the most impressive part of the 2015 Challenger is the interior. It has a very retro look, but with all the high quality materials and technology you would want in a modern car. The seats are comfortable, adjustable, heated and cooled, the steering wheel is smooth and heated for those cold mornings, and all touch surfaces feel absolutely perfect to the finger tips.  The outgoing 2014 Challenger was bland and boring on the inside, so the upgrade was much needed.

Unlike most, I actually truly enjoy the handling characteristics of the Challenger. It's by no means fast in the corners, but it is very fun. The transition from light throttle to full throttle out of a corner feels explosive, you can feel the rear end squat and dig for traction while that giant hood gets lifted. Sure, there are a lot of great handling cars that don't have a lot of power. The MX-5 is one example, its handling relies on carrying a ton of speed through a corner, and it's certainly much more capable of doing so than the Challenger.

People often compare the Challenger to a boat, which I can certainly see. What I can't see, is why they think of this as a negative thing. Have you ever been on a big boat with a big engine? Sure, there are jet ski's out there running circles around you, but none of that matters when you put the hammer down and lift that giant hull out of the water.

Red-Headed Step Child Corvette

Some Corvette enthusiasts say: "The best Corvette is the one you're driving!" Some say: "Any Corvette, is a great Corvette!" Most, however, tack on the extra line: "...Unless its a C4."

Its true, of all car models there isn't a more universally hated generation than the C4 Corvette. The Z31 Nissan 300zx was a hideous, slow, unreliable excuse for a car, but Z-car fans don't hate it nearly as much as Corvette fans hate the c4. The ONLY model that comes close to the hatred a C4 emanates is the 996 Porsche 911. Aside from the 996 turbo, there isn't much reason to own a 911 from that generation, but that's a story for another time.

Lets talk about some of the reasons the C4 is hated:

1. It was under-powered. 
2. It was unreliable. 
3. It was ugly. 
4. It didn't have the massive muscular fenders of the C3.
5. The chassis was way too flexy

Most all of these points can be defended, but almost all are flawed arguments. Early years had as little as 205 horsepower, and by modern standards this seems like hardly enough to get moving. Contrary to the anemic power levels though, the 1984 Vette dominated autocross events across the nation. This eventually leading to the creation of the "Corvette-Only" series, while the Vette was banned from regular SCCA racing. As the C4 aged, power levels increased drastically, including a 405 horsepower LT5 in the ZR1.

Unreliable? Just google "Optispark got wet" to see the horror stories. The issue may not be directly caused by the unit itself, but rather poor placement directly under the water pump, and careless owners washing their engines causing the units to fail. Aside from the bad stigma, many C4's have made it into the 200+ thousand mile club.

 It is a little ugly compared to other Corvette generations. Being an ugly Corvette, however, is somewhat equivalent to being the worst starting running back in the NFL: Its really not that bad.

It didn't have big flared fenders like the C3. That being said the C3 Corvette was terrible. If my dad was Hitler, I wouldn't be too upset when someone told me I didn't look like him.

The chassis flex was probably the worst thing on the list.While the chassis may have been much stiffer than the outgoing C3, the praise stops there, though I may just be spoiled by the hydro-formed rails in my Z06. GM clearly made the flexy chassis work, still, as evidenced by the SCCA domination.

With prices on C4's being so low, I had to get out and see what all the hate was about. The closest one I could find was a 1996 red automatic coupe. Personally I hate automatics in general, so I didn't have much hope for this car. People always talked about the one benefit to the C4 being the "Fighter-jet cockpit feel" when driving the car. I genuinely think this is just a phrase C4 owners use to make their cars seem cooler. Either that or they accidentally substitute the word "cockpit" when they meant to say "cramped" as the interior is relatively similar in shape and layout to the C5, just tightened up to make it hard for fully grown adults (read: Americans) to fit into.

Honestly though, I was most surprised by how the car actually drove. The LT1 made plenty of power and torque. I have no doubt that a well driven 6 speed LT1 Corvette could hold its own against any stock automatic c5, and even the automatic 2005 Corvette. The C5's and C6's may win out in the end, but the C4 is certainly in the same ballpark, and that's impressive in its own. Even with literally 100 less horsepower than my Corvette, I have no complaints about the power or power delivery. Getting on the throttle provided a very smooth and linear feel, though I was interrupted by unexpected shifts multiple times during my drive. This was most likely due to my inexperience in an automatic, rather than an issue with the car itself.

The handling was fantastic as well. For a stock base coupe, the car felt very planted and confident during spirited driving. My passenger was starting to get nervous far before I felt the car would get squirrely. Large mid-corner bumps, however, were another story. Corvettes in general don't really handle mid corner bumps very well. The first time I hit a bump mid corner in my 2001, I thought my rear tires got lifted off the ground. The C4 is no different, but it does feel as if they stiffened up the suspension to compensate for the flexy chassis, which makes the mid corner bump feel much worse than later model Corvettes. Many people consider the transverse leaf spring to be the cause of this issue, and going to a more independent rear suspension by way of coilovers to be the fix to the problem. This solution most likely fixes the problem by adjusting the valving in the shocks, rather than eliminating the leaf spring, so a properly valved set of shocks alone may help as well.  GM has found a way to make the leaf spring work very well,  it does a phenomenal job managing body roll and keeping a compliant ride, so don't throw it out the window just due to its archaic design.

Compared to any pre-2011 Ford Mustang GT, the LT1 Corvette is faster in all aspects. Sure, they're in slightly different classes of performance cars, but when you compare the fact that you can get a C4 for a fraction of the price of the GT, why wouldn't you? If you could buy a 3 bedroom house in a nicer part of town for less money, who would opt to pay more for the smaller house in a bad part of town, just because they were originally looking for 2 bedrooms? I would argue that until the IRS equipped 5.0, the C4 could easily be considered more fun than most any modern Mustang!

People often talk about dollar per fun when it comes to the Corvette. I've always hated that phrase when it comes to C5 Z06's because I think it downplays just how good those cars are. The C5 represents a car that's both better AND cheaper than a lot of alternatives, not almost as good for a whole lot less. The C4 better represents the dollar for value phrase, as it provides as much fun as a 2014 Mustang GT for well under $9000, often times as low as $3000-$5000 still in decent shape.

Next time you're talking Corvettes, don't bash the C4 too hard. It's not the worst car in the world. It isn't even the worst Corvette in the past 30 years, that is a spot held firmly by the automatic 2005 Corvette. Would I own one? Absolutely, but to be honest, they're still just too close in price the the C5. It would be hard to justify spending $9000 for a nice C4 when I could spend a little more and get another C5. This is more an issue of undervalued C5's rather than overvalued C4's, as a $10000 C4 still provides insane performane for the money. To the person who has a maximum budget of $9000 on an all around performance car, it would be hard to recommend anything else besides the once hated C4 Corvette.

350 Powered FJ40 Land Cruiser (AKA Death Trap)

Back in 2016 I purchased a nice, clean 1992 Toyota Pickup. Truly a phenomenal little truck, but there are by all means a few quirks with it. First off, it puked out oil about as fast as it burned gas. Oil leaks are likely the most annoying thing to me, so I figured I would go ahead and replace the timing chain and seal up all the leaks while I was in there, especially around the oil pan and timing cover. Now, there's really only one thing you want to have in your oil pan, and that happens to be oil. I, however, found about a pound of plastic and metal floating around, which you can see here:

The 22re engine is notorious for grenading its timing chain guides, so the plastic remnants didn't surprise me too much. What did surprise me, was that there were still the two timing chain guides in perfect condition under the timing cover. This meant that the guides in the oil pan (and the large chunk of metal missing from the cover itself) had been floating around in there for God knows how long, since the previous owner replaced the timing chain last. That brings me to the second flaw of the 22re Toyota Pickup: It was, in fact, the slowest moving vehicle on the planet. Literally the average Mustang can outrun these trucks, even accounting for breaking down once and having to fix it mid-race. I had the inside line and a perfect launch against a Hyundai Accent getting on the highway once, but the 90 year old woman driving it gave me a stare-down as she passed me like I was standing still. That brings us to the not-so-simple fix to a slow moving vehicle: a Chevy V8.

When I heard about this V8 powered Land Cruiser, I was thinking it was a nice little stock 350, maybe 200-300 horsepower. When I actually arrived to check this thing out, something told me I might be in for a little more than anticipated. Getting this FJ40 started was a bit of a process. And by "a bit of a process" I mean "You can leave the keys in it, alongside a startup procedure, because if someone wants to steal it then they won't figure it out without your help anyways." From memory the process went something like this:
1: Under the canvas flap flip the switch to connect the battery.
2: Crawl under the truck (avoiding the oil leak, obviously) and search for the kill switch.
3: Find the kill switch in literally the most stupid location, in the wheel well where a kicked up rock will certainly cause the truck to shut off leaving you to maneuver your way out of the road in a vehicle without brakes, power steering, or power whatsoever.
4: There are 3 switches behind the drivers seat. One of them controls the electric fans. These are important. The next switch controls a high pitched whine which is most likely a fuel pump or an electric water pump. Also important. The final switch controls something else. Don't know what it did, but it seemed important.
5: Turn the key. Normally this wouldn't seem difficult, but in this case they ignition switch is located behind the driver's seat. Its recommended that you start the vehicle before actually sitting down, in order to avoid dislocating your shoulder. That brings us to the next problem; the Muncie 4 speed has the precision of a nuclear warhead, and there isn't a clutch safety switch. You might be in neutral. You might also be in either 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or reverse as they all look and feel the same. Also, its not recommended that you attempt to start the vehicle on a hill, as it lacks a parking brake (or brakes at all for that matter) so you'll end up using your right foot as a wheel chock for some 33 inch MT tires.

Once you finally do get this thing started, you are in for a treat. This thing is MEAN. Much meaner than my iPhone can record.

DO NOT START THIS VEHICLE unless you are prepared to set off car alarms. Now its time to get going. Well actually its time to spend about 4 minutes getting the harnesses on until your passenger gives up and decides that getting flung from the vehicle is less annoying than figuring out how to wear them, but that isn't important.

We've already determined that the transmission is pretty much a game of poke and hope, but if you're like me and have lived a life of T56's, TR6060's, and various other 5 and 6 speed transmissions where reverse isn't up and to the left, you WILL put this thing into reverse on your first (several) take off. Don't be alarmed, you probably didn't hit that guy walking behind you, and if you did you definitely didn't hear his screams over the sound of your exhaust. There isn't actually a lockout to keep you out of reverse (there might have been one there in the past, but it certainly wasn't working on that day.)

Now lets get to how this thing drives. The first time I put it to the floor my heart literally stopped beating for a second. By far the scariest acceleration of my entire life. Was it the fastest acceleration of my life? Well I don't know, there isn't actually a speedometer, but that's irrelevant. No doubt in my mind that this thing could pull the tires off the ground with a hard launch. A hard launch was not something I was going to be partaking in, mostly due to the fact that a couple miles up the road it cut off on me as I was approaching a very busy intersection. Now you might remember me telling you that this thing had 5 point harnesses and a key located behind the drivers seat. This is NOT a good combination. I can't for the life of me figure out how Toyota, a company known for making simple, good, user friendly vehicles could have made an oversight like this. In the midst of attempting to bend my arm in 19 different ways to get the car back started I discovered that I had bumped some of the many magical switches that cut power to multiple things I needed powered. Luckily on a hope, prayer, and dream I got everything set right without looking and got the truck back started up.

I made it into a parking lot the as it was cutting off again, but by then I had permanently broken my wrist in a manner that allowed for easy reach of the key. 100 people's jaws dropped as I idled through the parking lot, including the owner of a cammed LS3 Camaro. I can't even lie, this thing got 5 times the attention of my Z06. We made it 95 percent of the way back before it cut out again, but this time there was no starting it back. We coasted the last 1/8th of a mile, with any luck there wouldn't be any traffic stopping us from getting back into the lot. Unfortunately our luck had run out, and we ended up stopped just a half block away. A few quick pushes had us back in safely, but that was the last of the starts from the old 350.

To wrap it up, Toyota trucks are slow for a reason. That much power in an FJ40 is a literal death wish. You WILL crash it into a wall, and it will go up in flames. Sadly, though, you won't be able to get your harness unhooked fast enough to get to the fire extinguisher mounted just out of reach before its too late to save the truck. This was nearly the worst vehicle I had ever been in, but more than anything, I wanted it to be mine.

BMW i8: Concept Car Meets Real Life

Anyone with enough data to check Facebook once in a while has seen it: the concept car. The concept car has one real purpose, to gauge the public's reaction to some ridiculous new design or technology. Concept cars are usually very exciting, the dramatic lines, innovative power-plants, and futuristic styling draws the attention of consumers (whether "car people" or your average Joe who drives an econobox every day). Unfortunately the vast majority of these concepts are never actually mass produced, and if they are they usually hardly even resemble the original prototype in the first place. Auto makers tend to dream big, building a completely out of the box prototype, hyping it up, then designers say "lets be realistic guys, nobody will want this car that everybody is so excited about." so they dial it back about 5 notches and produce a relatively boring car.

This isn't always a bad thing, its worked for, well, literally since cars became common place in the world, but it does make one wonder "What would happen if a car manufacturer actually produced a car like that?" Meet the BMW i8. When you compare the i8 concept to the actual i8, the real car seems more insane than the concept! While this may seem remarkable, like a breakthrough that's good for everyone, there are a few problems with it.

The BMW i8 looks neat, exciting, almost unreal, but it is by no means a good looking car. In fact, its quite the opposite, almost more ugly than your average sedan. "How can that be?" you ask. When one drives down the street there are more eyes on it than Kim K's "break the internet" photo. Kim and the i8 are actually very similar considering both are obnoxiously designed, over-hyped, not actually very attractive, and nobody really cares other than the fact that everybody thinks they should care. Still not convinced that something so dramatic, exciting, and breathtaking isn't actually pretty? Well lets discuss some other breathtaking things that aren't pretty: Alligators, car accidents, tornadoes, most strippers, a punch to the groin, a tyrannosaurus rex, Grendel from Beowulf. The list goes on and on, and every single one would get similar attention to the i8, yet no one would consider any of them pretty.

There's another fatal flaw to the i8 too, that many people tend to overlook: its a BMW. Why is this a problem? BMW has made as many (if not more) good cars as anyone in the automotive industry. The problem is that it isn't your average BMW, its a techy geeky BMW that excites those who have to have the absolute latest in technology, but they also have to be BMW owners.

Everyone knows the tech geek type: They have to have the absolute latest and greatest in phones, cameras, laptops, gaming systems, televisions, sound systems, anything powered by electricity is their king! The average tech geek knows A LOT about these gadgets, how to use them, what the differences are, why one is better than the other. These people are usually great because if you go to them and tell them what you need, they can actually help you get the best product for your needs usually without bias. Then you have the BMW owner who is completely the same, but entirely different. These people are also into the latest and greatest, but this time with EXTREME bias. Need a new phone? Don't be an idiot, you're getting the latest iPhone because Android is inferior in every way, don't bother trying to bring facts into the argument. Of course a BMW owner has a Rolex, no other watch can tell the time without you having to look down at it, meaning you can keep your nose high up in the air at all times.

That brings us to the i8 owner. Why did he get an i8? He still had 18 months left on the lease of his m3, so he obviously didn't need a new car. The thing is, when the i8 was released his m3 became entirely irrelevant in his eyes. To him driving around in an m3 when there's such a thing as the i8 is the equivalent to having an iPhone 6 when the iPhone 6s exists. Sure, no one really cares, and probably wouldn't ever even notice that he isn't in the newest thing, but how can he live knowing he can't be better than everyone else? So that brings him to his new car. On his wrist he has is Rolex (obviously) but because he's a techy geek too he has an Apple watch slightly further up his wrist. He uses Siri in unnecessary situations like asking the time in public, just so people can see him do it. "Hey Siri, when's my next scheduled maintenance on my brand new BMW i8?" he asks after spending 3 hours at home trying to figure out how to get Siri to respond with exactly what he wanted her to say. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that." Humiliated, he snatches his fully charged phone off the wireless charger he brought into Starbucks, and storms out to his car. He heads straight to the Apple store to demand them replace his clearly defective iPhone.

Tell an i8 driver you like his car, seriously. While a normal person would respond to a compliment with a "thank you!" this guy will say "I know." then turn his back to you and continue sipping on his latte. The i8 driver (unlike most BMW owners) has done extensive research on what turn signals are for. He still doesn't use them (obviously) or even fully understand their purpose, but he's spent hours on his MacBook pro researching them. This guy is seriously a sociopath. He uses words like "aperture" to describe the $3000 camera he just bought, even though he leaves it in auto mode because he doesn't know what its even for, then pays a photographer to take pictures for him that he pretends he took. There are no i8 owners clubs, because i8 owners can't stand being around people with the same things as them. These guys have every option possible on their cars, even getting mad when BMW wouldn't allow them to get both the alcantera interior and the dark oyster stitched leather interior on the same vehicle. They don't get why they can't have both, there was a check box for both of them and they checked both of them when pre-ordering.

So there you have it, the problem with the BMW i8. While it displays the marvels of modern technology and delivers on one of the potentially most exciting production car looks BMW has ever made, it really only draws those who don't even know why the i8 should be cool, they just know that it makes them better than everyone else around them.

Some of you may be thinking that this review is missing something: how does the car actually drive? I don't really know, and similar to the i8's celebrity counterpart, Kim K, despite the fact that everyone thinks they're supposed to, nobody actually gives a damn about what shes like.

Wilbur the Fiesta S

A while back I did a review on the Ford Fiesta ST which, while admittedly a bit on the slow side, was absolutely fantastic to drive. It was smooth, precise, responsive, everything you want from a hot hatch, all in one affordable economical package. The only thing I really saw as a threat to the Fiesta was its bigger, meaner, more powerful brother the Focus ST. As much as I loved both of those cars, one has to wonder how the non-ST badged counterparts compared, after all the platforms are proven winners.

The Fiesta I drove was basic boring black, with hubcaps and the same number of options you would find on a true/false exam. The added extras included: rear windshield wiper and 6 speed shift-able automatic transmission. Like cruise control? Doesn't have it. Power windows? Not a chance. But standard features include bluetooth connectivity, power door locks, and sweet set of manual windows as a throwback to the good ole days before window motors. Really though, I don't care about the lack of features, this is a sub $15,000 brand new car, we're lucky it even has air conditioning.

The Fiesta looks, well, plain boring when compared to an ST model, or even a base Focus. Ford has the Fusion, the Focus, the Escape, all proud and handsome in their designs, then you have the base Fiesta, a runt of the family. "Wilbur" would be a better name for the car, except that its not quite so cute as the little piglet from "Charlotte's Web." The interior is a step in the right direction, however. Though cheap feeling, it is well put together, and relatively attractive compared to the Korean competition. There really isn't anything besides black plastic inside, the only exception being a little piece of faux aluminum wrapped around the shifter. A bit cramped inside, but once everything was adjusted for me very comfortable.

Obviously, the first thing I did when I fired up the mighty 1.6 liter beast was to try to figure out how to turn off traction control (because who wouldn't?) but was promptly discouraged by the fact that there was no button. As it turns out you have to go in through the radio, go to menu, vehicle settings, then select traction control, which produces a loading bar on the brilliant (psych) LCD screen which progresses as fast as windows 95 trying to download a 1 gigabyte file. Once I finally got the popup box letting me know I was ready to do some smokey burnouts, I put the car in drive and set off.

Now everyone knows that I don't like automatics, but when Ford started putting the dual clutch system in the Fiesta, I knew it was a recipe for disaster. A dual clutch system in a Ferrari, or a BMW, or even a Volkswagen shifts quickly and crisply. This is often one of the main complaints about them, they aren't particularly smooth because they're so fast. Ford clearly didn't want have the only complaint about their car be that the transmission shifts too hard, so they decided to make the transmission terrible in every single way. Anyone who's ever tried to teach someone how to drive a manual knows the feeling produced by the new Fiesta. Rev's go up, clutch engages in a nice slippy/bucky transition, then do it all over again with a lurch into second gear.

Now being that I know how dual clutch systems can produce brutal launches, I did as any gear-head would and tried to power-brake launch the little runt. Left foot on the brake, right foot hard down, revs build to about 3500 before a launch control-like rev limiter has the car shaking slightly in anticipation. Drop the brake and the car sets off in a manner more disappointing than your child flunking out of high school. I measured a quicker take off by just stomping the gas off idle than by launching, the transmission is determined not to allow for even a hint of wheelspin in dry or wet conditions. Not only that but the car refuses to hit its anemic redline, hardly kissing 5800 RPM's before lackadaisically shifting up a gear, even in manual mode.

The next 10 angry minutes were spent trying to force the car to hit its 6500rpm limiter by any means possible. I mashed the downshift button more times than a 10 year old kid presses the X button on his PlayStation to no avail. After the first 30 miles I realized that I had been driving for an hour, and still had no clue how the car drove because I was so upset about the horrible drivetrain. Then, entirely by accident, I had my first success! 23 miles an hour (on the dot) in third gear: mash the gas while simultaneously clicking the downshift button and the car shifts into first, launching (yeah, right) the car forward up until redline, bouncing a couple times off the limiter before shifting firmly and solidly into second gear. For that second alone the car feels really good, proving that the car has some potential to not be terrible. After this success I decided to see how many times I could get the engine to bounce off the limiter, because I am a child and require some sort of fun when I drive. Again I realized that I was driving a car to review, yet I knew absolutely nothing about how it drove.

I buckled down, cranked down the window, and set off, determined to do a proper road test. I hopped onto the interstate and wound out the first three gears; a 25 second endeavor resulting in exactly 63 miles an hour before the lane ran out and I had to cut off a Land Rover because I couldn't get up to speed. The box on the window sticker claims 120 horsepower, yet I think its closer to 80. Roll the window back up and cruise steadily trying to determine how smooth, quiet, and comfortable the car is at speed. Its boring. Really boring. 30 seconds in and I'm suddenly finding myself trying to see how close to redline I can cruise at before the car shifts itself into the next gear. By slowly creeping up I manage 6100 revs for about 1/4 mile before the shift into 4th gear: I'm utterly useless at reviewing this car.

I stop for a little bit to get a cup of Starbucks, and a girl in the parking lot smiles and mentions something about liking my car. I found myself immediately offended by the fact that she thought it was mine, and couldn't resist telling her that it wasn't. She laughed and admitted that I didn't look like a Fiesta driver, but I still didn't like her or her stupid knee high socks. At this point you're probably realizing that I really don't like the car, and that you've pretty much wasted your time by reading this far because the ratio is slipping dangerously close to 90% comedic entertainment and 10% actual review, but oh well.

When I walked out from Starbucks with my Venti (yeah, I'm a man who drinks man-sized drinks) pumpkin spice latte (kidding) I smelled a slight burning clutch-like odor, so I decided to take it easy on the car for the next few miles. This brought me to a revelation about the car: it has excellent cup holders. Sure, these excellent cup holders come with sacrifice (a lack of an armrest) which is annoying, but these bad boys hold a cup of Starbucks tighter than a sorority girl holds her skinny vanilla double blended frap with extra whip.

Now that I knew that my coffee was held tightly in place, and the transmission had cooled off, I hit some back-roads to see if the base model had retained any ST DNA infused in the handling. Surprisingly, the car is still pretty fun on tight corners. Sure it understeers more, and won't cock a rear wheel like the ST version does, but its actually not bad. Paired with a manual transmission, stiffer sway bars, and a better set of shocks I think this Fiesta would be great to drive on back roads. Surprisingly to me Ford managed to make the car slightly torque steer in a fun manner, even though the car produces no measurable torque. For the first time since I set off I forgot all the negatives, and actually broke out a bit of a smile. That was, until I got to some roads quick enough that I had to shift out of second. Shifting in this car is miserable, slow, mushy, yet not smooth at all. This transmission has no place in any car, ever.

Now I know it may seem like I think the Fiesta S is the worst car in the world, but I really don't. Its cheap, economical, and I was able to fit 120 quarts of oil in the trunk. Every single qualm I have with the car is centered around the transmission. A manual would be much better, even a standard automatic would be an improvement. If you're really interested in the Fiesta, I strongly urge you to look for an ST. That car is truly a beautiful piece of engineering, but if $15,000 is your budget: get the manual transmission Fiesta S because even if it looks like a runt, it shares DNA with the ST. Now even if you already have an automatic Fiesta I still have good news! No matter how bad your choice was, you didn't screw up so bad as to buy a Chevrolet Sonic, and that's a reason to celebrate.

Z06 Photographs

Some of my personal favorite pictures of my 2001 Z06 Corvette

This is one of my favorite places to go take pictures, the scene itself just makes the shots all so exciting and vivid.